Raising Boys
Week Four
Boyhood, The Early Years (birth to 12)
Opening Trailer…The Lion King
A film that illustrates how intent the enemy is to separate us from our true Father is the mythic story of The Lion King. In the story, the lion cub Simba is separated in his youth from his father through a murder engineered by his uncle, Scar, the character symbolizing the evil one in our story. Scar arranges for the cub to be caught in a stampede of wildebeests, knowing that his father, Mufasa, will risk his life to save his son. He does, and Simba is saved, but Mufasa is killed. Scar then turns on Simba and accuses him, at such a vulnerable and desperate moment, of causing his father’s death. Brokenhearted, frightened, racked with guilt, Simba runs away from home. The early years in a boy’s life are foundational for building trust and identity.
Small Group Discussion:
1…What are some fun memories from boyhood years? From your boy’s life…
(forts, playing army, pets, adventures, riding bikes, sports, danger, risk, etc.)
2…Men…what are some fun memories from your boyhood years?
3…What are some “hardships/struggles” in raising boys in the early years?
Key Truth for Tonight:
There are two primary words that we will explore related to the boyhood, early years: Wonder and Wounds. We might called these the “Beloved Son” years (from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge). The key question that a boy is asking at this phase is: Do I have what it takes?
A boy is crying out to know:
Do you notice me?
Does my heart matter?
Am I your beloved son?
Biblical Text: Luke 2:41-52…reminds us that Jesus was once a boy. Mary “treasured all these things in her heart.” Boyhood is a wonder-full stage to create memories with your boy.
Review of Key Truth from Week 3…
One of the primary ways that God fathers us is through hardship and disappointment. How we parent either hinders or helps a boy experience this with God. See James 1.
Breaking Down the Stages:
The Explorer (ages 2-4)
-Girls are more responsive and sensitive earlier than boys.
-The male brain is wired for activity; the female brain is biased toward personal connections.
-The testosterone kicking in for little guys leads to an active and aggressive nature.
-Boys at this stage tend to show affection through wrestling, head butting, and sometimes even hitting.
-These young warriors can lose their grip after being “hungry” or “tired.” Can you say “anger”?
-They are also quite curious…exploring and investigating.
-Self-determined… “Mine” or “let me do it”
What he needs at this stage:
-Boundaries…they will push their limits, so they need help in setting limits. Help them find ways to fuel their energy and activity in healthy ways.
-Open Space…room to be wild. They need places in the house and yard to run, hit, kick, throw, spit, fart, dig, and jump.
-Consistency…in their day and schedule
-Understanding…adjust our expectations to their stage and their “male-ness”
-Make requests simple and “to the point”
-With agreed upon boundaries, set up consequences that make sense and follow the behavior.
-Praise him when he does well.
The Lover (ages 5-8)
-Some of a boy’s more relationally-driven qualities begin to emerge…but they are still boys!
-They become more sensitive and can be more chatty
-Painting, drawing, reading, and self-expression come into play
-They can also begin to express curiosity about God
-His thinking is very concrete
-They can have more tender moments…cuddle time
-Fears can also emerge…monsters, thunderstorms, dark rooms, etc.
-They can also become quite defensive…obnoxious, fits, temper tantrums, being critical and rude
-They tend to “lose it more” with Mom than Dad
-This is also the stage where “following rules” and learning limitations happens (i.e. “That’s not fair” enters the mix)
-They also become more attached to Dad, which will be a growing trend/need as they move forward…they are developing “gender identity”
-The competitive nature will also develop
What he needs at this stage:
-A steady hand from authority figures
-Lots of mercy and longsuffering from parents (can I get a witness???)
-School will require sitting for long periods of time, so they need open space and active space
-Let home be “home”…a safe place to be wild (within limits)
-One on One time is valuable, especially with Dad. He needs his father’s tenderness…both physically and emotionally.
-Routine is vital at this stage…gives a sense of accomplishment, independence, and self-satisfaction
-Name unwanted behavior and help redirect it
-Natural consequences are your best teaching tool
-Allot time on devices/games but also build in limitations
-Plan family movie nights or game nights
-Enjoy the outdoors with him
The Individual (ages 9-12)
-The beginning years of transition into adolescence…physically and emotionally
-A lot of in-between feelings…wanting to be a boy and wanting to grow up. Wanting to be “babied” by mommy and be a man with daddy
-For many moms, these years call for grieving…letting go
-They are emotional wrecks…expect it…sadness, anger, hurt, fear, and loneliness…typically expressed in anger.
-Tend to retreat more…to their rooms, wanting to be alone
-Girls…both afraid of them and curious about them
-The sexual changes begin to happen. Anywhere from 9-12…a boy will have his first nocturnal emission (wet dream) and will be filled with confusion about sexual matters. A boy needs to know this is normal and to be celebrated…part of becoming a man. A Dad or “spiritual uncle” plays a primary role in this.
-Multiple surges of testosterone throughout the day…did I say “emotional wrecks”???
-Experimenting...profanity, breaking the rules, etc.
-Begin to be critical of themselves and others
What he needs at this stage:
-Increased levels of observation…grades, hobbies, friends, moods, etc.
-Keep a check on texting and other social media…check his backpack periodically
-Provide adequate supervision while also creating space
-As a parent, do away with “the birds and bees” language…and embrace honest conversations about sexuality.
-This is the stage that a majority of boys are exposed to pornography, of some form. Openness about sexual matters is vital.
-Know the parents of your boys’ friends and share notes…
-Though he may fight against it, push him into new areas…sports, adventures, hunting, outdoors, etc.
-Begin to introduce some ways to serve or do mission work
The Bottom Line for Boyhood Years
(Wonder and Wounds)
Boyhood is meant to be a stage of exploration, wonder, and innocence. They will eventually grow up and have to deal with “life.” Our role at this stage is to guide, bless, and affirm this young warrior/lover walking around in our house.
Wonder Truth #1:
Notice him…see him and study him.
(The Wound…comes when a boy is neglected, pushed aside, abused, or goes unnoticed.)
Wonder Truth #2:
Affirm his heart and desires…boyhood is meant to be wonder-full. Call forth his masculine heart and let him be wild, adventurous, and free. Of course, this requires boundaries and limitations. But our heart as parents is to let him dream, imagine, and learn to be wild for God.
(The Wound…comes when a boy’s dreams are cut off, life gets too “grown up,” and his masculine desires are forced underground or neglected.)
Wonder Truth #3:
Point him to the Father who adores him. Boyhood years lay foundation for image of God. Their view of and relationship with God is primarily in place by age 11. And that image gets shaped through mom and dad. What kind of God are you giving him?
Keep in mind that this is the enemy’s primary tactic…to sweep into mom’s and dad’s brokenness and deliver lies about God and His character. Satan has a strategy to steal, kill, and destroy your boy’s masculine, “image of God-bearing,” heart. Fight…against the enemy and for your son!
(The Wound…comes when a boy gets a faulty image of God…the god with a big stick, the distant god, the god who has no time for him, the god who is apathetic and uninvolved, the abusive/unloving god, the flimsy god with no boundaries, etc.)
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