INTEGRITY

Mansfield's Book of Manly Men (161-174)

• ...the word integrity is related to the word integral, which means "soundness, wholeness or entire."
• The army of ancient rome used this word almost daily in it's inspection ritual...the commander would stand in front of a soldier and the soldier would sweep his fist hard into the middle of his chest and shout "Integras"...The commander listen for that rich, full quality of a healthy soldier's voice and then he listened for the clang that well-kept armor would emit when struck.
• Job lived in the land of Uz...he was wealthy, he was devoted to God, and he served as a priest for his family, praying and making sacrifices for them.
• And so begins about the worst day any man in the history of the world has ever had begins to unfold
• An enemy tribe steals Job's donkeys and oxen, killing his servants in the process
• Fire falls from heaven and burns up his flocks and still more servants.
• Another tribe takes his camels
• A house collapses and kills his sons and daughters
• Though he is devastated, he does not accuse God of wrongdoing.
• God gives permission and Satan strikes his flesh...Job ends up in such agony that he digs jagged pieces of pottery into his body in hopes of ending the pain.
• Job endures criticism and self-satisfied advice from his wife and a handful of friends.
• Job's hope..."I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes - I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"(Job 19:25-27)
• He is in complete physical agony. He's lost everything. He has friends telling him what a fool and sinner he is. Even his wife has turned agains this. Still, he hopes for God and stands on what is true.
• Job will not be swayed by the opinions of men.
• Job speaks the truth as he knows it.
• Job never accuses God.
• Job defends himself.
• Job was quick to admit his wrongs.
• Job listened to criticism.
• Finally, Job waited. 
• He might have killed himself. He might have curse God. He might have killed his stunningly ignorant friends. He might have lost all hope. Instead, in agony and while a stench to his friends, he looked to God and waited...Men want to act, to fix what's wrong and broken. Sometimes, though, the better part of manhood is to know what you can't fix and to wait on the God who can. Waiting is hard. Waiting is a test. Waiting is also a way of saying, "God is God and I am not. He'll act when he's ready. Until then, I'm here. It may be the greatest statement of faith we can make, particularly during times of suffering. It's hard. That's why it's part of being a manly man.

WILDNESS

Mansfield's book of Manly Men (149-160)

• The childhood of Theodore Roosevelt...He was an intelligent child with a fierce curiosity and zeal for investigating life, but his body failed him. Exertions brought on breathlessness, which left him weak and bedridden. Even when he paced himself, he quickly ran out of energy. 
• Finally his father intervened..."Theodore, you have the mind, but you have not the body, and without the help of the body, the mind cannot go as far as it should. You must make your body. It is hard drudgery to make one's body, but I know you will do it."
• Theodore devoted himself completely, he lifted weights, hammered away at punching bags, swung dumbbells, and spent hours grunting himself into position on the horizontal bars.
• Years went by with little improvement...Finally in his freshman year at Harvard, he began catching up.
• It is also not going too far to say that those dreary years of exercise, hour after hour each day, made him into a man who knew the power of work, of will over body, and of the need for a man to live a strenuous life.
• February 14, 1884...His mother died shortly after midnight. His wife died the next afternoon. Two days later, Theodore roosevelt sat in a pew at New York's Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church and endured a double funeral. The next day, at the same church, he participated in the baptism of Alice Lee Roosevelt, his new daughter. He would write of these days, "The light has gone out of my life."
• He handed his beloved daughter to his sister, sold nearly everything he had, and moved to the Dakota Territories, where for several years he had been investing in a cattle ranch that overlooked a bend in the Missouri River. He would remain there for three years.
• Roosevelt needed to restore and rebuild and he knew only one way to do it: return to the strenuous and the difficult. 
• ...he needed space, wilderness, difficult tasks, and looming danger. He knew this was the key to healing. He had experienced this truth in his life before.
• He grieved and got through it. He lived in the moment, in the physical, and in intimate connection with nature. It forced him from living entirely in his thoughts to living a rooted, earthy life in which thoughts come only after work is done.
• Roosevelt would return to the East. He would accomplish many things. never would he forget the Dakota years.
• "In after years there shall ever come to mind the memory of endless prairies shimmering int the bright sun; of vast, snow-clad wastes, lying and desolate under gray skies; of the melancholy marshes; of the rush of mighty rivers; of the breath of the evergreen forest in the summer; of the grooming of ice-armored pines at the touch of the winds of winter; of cataracts roaring between hoary mountain passes; of all the innumerable sights and sounds of the wilderness and of the silences that brood in its still depths."
• ...all men need what Roosevelt found - a strenuous physical life, the possibility of harm, challenges to face, enemies to oppose, land to conquer. Our lives push us away from this. We work in cubicles or comfortable vehicles. Technology serves us and keeps us from exertion. We live in an opulent blandness - overfed, overextended, over entertained, and overly preoccupied with ourselves.
• It will awaken the masculinity in us. It will help us to untangle our inner knots. It will remind us that we are men. Perhaps the women and children in our lives are waiting for this, waiting for us to recover ourselves. This alone would be worth the battle.

Top 11 list for Raising Boys

We did it!

You survived the Raising Boys Course!

Now What?????

Let’s raise up some mighty young warriors for God’s Kingdom…

#1: Remember the Core Desires

A boy wants a…

Battle to fight, An Adventure to live, and A Beauty to rescue

#2: Remember His Core Need...

VALIDATION

(A boy will find something or someone to “prove” his masculinity. Will you parent him in such a way that he finds this in God as Father?)

#3: A Boy’s Brain

Spatial more than Relational

(A boy tends to analyze and explore more than emote or relate. Help him express his feelings.)

#4: Boys and Anger

A major and familiar emotion for boys is anger. Some retreat with it (go passive/implode) while others act out/explode with it. It is a primary emotion for the warrior/lover heart…teach him to express it well.

#5: Dealing with Disappointment and Hardship

Parent in such a way to acknowledge failure and hardship. Help him interpret this as a primary way that God fathers and initiates him as a man.

#6: The Early Years

The boyhood years are a time of blessing and validation. He begins to ask the question, “Do I have what it takes?” These are the years to notice him, affirm him, and create healthy boundaries for him.

#7: The Teen Years

Hard work and adventure are two key words for these years. He needs to test and prove his masculinity through both of these avenues. Plan adventures for him to experience risk and danger. Plan work for him to experience success and failure.

#8: Moms and Boys

He needs your tender, nurturing heart. You are his first love and the model of the feminine heart. Show him how to treat a woman well. And know that your job is to work yourself out of a job…empower him and release him.

#9: Dads and Boys

You are a primary figure in his life. You provide framework for relating to God as Father. You have the power to validate/bless or wound/curse. Spend time with him, talk to him, and walk him through initiation markers in life.

#10: Boys and Sex

Provide a healthy framework and understanding of his sexuality through modeling it and talking about it. Boys will isolate in this area…pursue and initiate conversation. The first and ongoing step is to know YOUR sexual story and let God father you/heal you.

#11: Raise a Warrior and Lover of God

Enjoy these years…and pray through these years. You have been given an honor. You have been entrusted with a warrior for God’s Kingdom. There is no greater influence on his life than you, Mom…than you, Dad. Rise up, O Warrior-Parents!!

The end...or just the beginning?

So last night the class ended and with that there are lots of questions and thoughts that run through my mind. This is such a minefield and with the added difficulty of our modern world...it makes the outlook seem very dim and feels a bit impossible.  How can we give our boys the balance of love and freedom and not blow it? I think in this area as really in all areas there is a call and a need for a community. A community that understands the dangers and difficulties but also one that hopes in something greater.  A community that can lean on it's members for understanding, inspiration and support through the inevitable challenges and failures that will ensue.

One of the great things about technology is that it truly can facilitate communication in the midst of the challenges of "busyness" and of distance and location.  This blog can serve as a way for any of us to reach out...share our struggles and also our successes.  It can serve as a source of inspiration as well as be a resource for finding answers.

The clip last night has been one that is a haunting reminder to me of the challenge that awaits us each and everyday. The theme of community and fighting together the enemy of our freedom resonates deeply with me.  There will be a separate tab created with resources, books, films all in the spirit of banding together to raise boys into Warriors for the Kingdom. 

WEEK 4 ~ 2/3/2016

Raising Boys

Week Four

Boyhood, The Early Years (birth to 12)

Opening Trailer…The Lion King

A film that illustrates how intent the enemy is to separate us from our true Father is the mythic story of The Lion King. In the story, the lion cub Simba is separated in his youth from his father through a murder engineered by his uncle, Scar, the character symbolizing the evil one in our story. Scar arranges for the cub to be caught in a stampede of wildebeests, knowing that his father, Mufasa, will risk his life to save his son. He does, and Simba is saved, but Mufasa is killed. Scar then turns on Simba and accuses him, at such a vulnerable and desperate moment, of causing his father’s death. Brokenhearted, frightened, racked with guilt, Simba runs away from home. The early years in a boy’s life are foundational for building trust and identity.

Small Group Discussion:

1…What are some fun memories from boyhood years? From your boy’s life…

(forts, playing army, pets, adventures, riding bikes, sports, danger, risk, etc.)

2…Men…what are some fun memories from your boyhood years?

3…What are some “hardships/struggles” in raising boys in the early years?

Key Truth for Tonight:

There are two primary words that we will explore related to the boyhood, early years: Wonder and Wounds. We might called these the “Beloved Son” years (from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge). The key question that a boy is asking at this phase is: Do I have what it takes?

A boy is crying out to know:

Do you notice me?

Does my heart matter?

Am I your beloved son?

Biblical Text: Luke 2:41-52…reminds us that Jesus was once a boy. Mary “treasured all these things in her heart.” Boyhood is a wonder-full stage to create memories with your boy.

Review of Key Truth from Week 3…

One of the primary ways that God fathers us is through hardship and disappointment. How we parent either hinders or helps a boy experience this with God. See James 1.

Breaking Down the Stages:

The Explorer (ages 2-4)

-Girls are more responsive and sensitive earlier than boys.

-The male brain is wired for activity; the female brain is biased toward personal connections.

-The testosterone kicking in for little guys leads to an active and aggressive nature.

-Boys at this stage tend to show affection through wrestling, head butting, and sometimes even hitting.

-These young warriors can lose their grip after being “hungry” or “tired.” Can you say “anger”?

-They are also quite curious…exploring and investigating.

-Self-determined… “Mine” or “let me do it”

What he needs at this stage:

-Boundaries…they will push their limits, so they need help in setting limits. Help them find ways to fuel their energy and activity in healthy ways.

-Open Space…room to be wild. They need places in the house and yard to run, hit, kick, throw, spit, fart, dig, and jump.

-Consistency…in their day and schedule

-Understanding…adjust our expectations to their stage and their “male-ness”

-Make requests simple and “to the point”

-With agreed upon boundaries, set up consequences that make sense and follow the behavior.

-Praise him when he does well.

The Lover (ages 5-8)

-Some of a boy’s more relationally-driven qualities begin to emerge…but they are still boys!

-They become more sensitive and can be more chatty

-Painting, drawing, reading, and self-expression come into play

-They can also begin to express curiosity about God

-His thinking is very concrete

-They can have more tender moments…cuddle time

-Fears can also emerge…monsters, thunderstorms, dark rooms, etc.

-They can also become quite defensive…obnoxious, fits, temper tantrums, being critical and rude

-They tend to “lose it more” with Mom than Dad

-This is also the stage where “following rules” and learning limitations happens (i.e. “That’s not fair” enters the mix)

-They also become more attached to Dad, which will be a growing trend/need as they move forward…they are developing “gender identity”

-The competitive nature will also develop

What he needs at this stage:

-A steady hand from authority figures

-Lots of mercy and longsuffering from parents (can I get a witness???)

-School will require sitting for long periods of time, so they need open space and active space

-Let home be “home”…a safe place to be wild (within limits)

-One on One time is valuable, especially with Dad. He needs his father’s tenderness…both physically and emotionally.

-Routine is vital at this stage…gives a sense of accomplishment, independence, and self-satisfaction

-Name unwanted behavior and help redirect it

-Natural consequences are your best teaching tool

-Allot time on devices/games but also build in limitations

-Plan family movie nights or game nights

-Enjoy the outdoors with him

The Individual (ages 9-12)

-The beginning years of transition into adolescence…physically and emotionally

-A lot of in-between feelings…wanting to be a boy and wanting to grow up. Wanting to be “babied” by mommy and be a man with daddy

-For many moms, these years call for grieving…letting go

-They are emotional wrecks…expect it…sadness, anger, hurt, fear, and loneliness…typically expressed in anger.

-Tend to retreat more…to their rooms, wanting to be alone

-Girls…both afraid of them and curious about them

-The sexual changes begin to happen. Anywhere from 9-12…a boy will have his first nocturnal emission (wet dream) and will be filled with confusion about sexual matters. A boy needs to know this is normal and to be celebrated…part of becoming a man. A Dad or “spiritual uncle” plays a primary role in this.

-Multiple surges of testosterone throughout the day…did I say “emotional wrecks”???

-Experimenting...profanity, breaking the rules, etc.

-Begin to be critical of themselves and others

What he needs at this stage:

-Increased levels of observation…grades, hobbies, friends, moods, etc.

-Keep a check on texting and other social media…check his backpack periodically

-Provide adequate supervision while also creating space

-As a parent, do away with “the birds and bees” language…and embrace honest conversations about sexuality.

-This is the stage that a majority of boys are exposed to pornography, of some form. Openness about sexual matters is vital.

-Know the parents of your boys’ friends and share notes…

-Though he may fight against it, push him into new areas…sports, adventures, hunting, outdoors, etc.

-Begin to introduce some ways to serve or do mission work

The Bottom Line for Boyhood Years

(Wonder and Wounds)

Boyhood is meant to be a stage of exploration, wonder, and innocence. They will eventually grow up and have to deal with “life.” Our role at this stage is to guide, bless, and affirm this young warrior/lover walking around in our house.

Wonder Truth #1:

Notice him…see him and study him. 

(The Wound…comes when a boy is neglected, pushed aside, abused, or goes unnoticed.)

Wonder Truth #2:

Affirm his heart and desires…boyhood is meant to be wonder-full. Call forth his masculine heart and let him be wild, adventurous, and free. Of course, this requires boundaries and limitations. But our heart as parents is to let him dream, imagine, and learn to be wild for God.

(The Wound…comes when a boy’s dreams are cut off, life gets too “grown up,” and his masculine desires are forced underground or neglected.)

Wonder Truth #3:

Point him to the Father who adores him. Boyhood years lay foundation for image of God. Their view of and relationship with God is primarily in place by age 11. And that image gets shaped through mom and dad. What kind of God are you giving him?

Keep in mind that this is the enemy’s primary tactic…to sweep into mom’s and dad’s brokenness and deliver lies about God and His character. Satan has a strategy to steal, kill, and destroy your boy’s masculine, “image of God-bearing,” heart. Fight…against the enemy and for your son!

(The Wound…comes when a boy gets a faulty image of God…the god with a big stick, the distant god, the god who has no time for him, the god who is apathetic and uninvolved, the abusive/unloving god, the flimsy god with no boundaries, etc.)

The Lover

“When a boy hits the Lover stage, his attention begins to turn away from Mom, and he becomes more attached to Dad. Dad’s now the man of the hour, and boys put a lot of effort into being just like Daddy. When my sons moved into the Lover stage, I (David) recall them hovering beside me for long periods of time, watching me shave or tie a tie. They wanted to sit with me and watch me assemble something or replace the locks on the front door.
Michael Gurian refers to this connection to Dad as “a foreshadowing to a gender identity surge” to come.5 It is crucial at this stage for fathers to spend time with their sons, and a father’s investment in his son at the Lover stage will pay big dividends down the road. Because a Lover naturally craves a relationship with his father, this is a great opportunity for fathers and sons to build pathways for connecting with each other. It doesn’t have to be extravagant."

Excerpt From: Stephen James. “Wild Things.”

Dealing with Disappointment and Hardship...Discussion

As we have seen, 1 hour passes quickly on Wednesday nights. To create some "out of classroom" discussion, we hope that this blog provides space for comments and discussion. Based on our teaching and discussion from last night along with the book, what are some highlights for you? What are you learning? What questions do you have?